Apr 25, 2023

Last week, Covid knocked on my door and asked me to let go of my need to be in control of myself.

As the symptoms rose and left me weak and edgy, I started to realize the huge amount of energy I invest in pushing myself to move forward.

Even though I understand the importance of surrendering to what is, as is (isn’t it what I teach ?), I still have a hard time engaging with this spiritual practice when it comes to my physical health.

A part of me just keeps on pushing and pulling to find my healing key “faster and better”, wanting to have some sort of control over the discomfort and fear that arises in me when it comes to illness.

You might not know this, but I spent many years being sick in bed. And somehow, I still fear going back to that place where all I can do is cry and sleep!

As I got more and more cranky and messy over the week, my biggest lesson came from my partner's attitude in all of this. Despite my bad mood, my reactivity, my messiness and my overwhelming germiness (it was ugly!), his heart stayed unconditionally open for me through the entire process.

In fact, the deeper I sunk into emotional reactivity triggered by the Covid symptoms, the more he welcomed me with wide open arms !!!

As I observed him taking care of me, I noticed he had no expectation for me to be “less cranky”, “less sick”, “less tired” or “less reactive”.

He also didn’t need me to be “more spiritually mature”, “more positive” or “more evolved” while I was swimming in a pool of symptoms and fever. It was a revelation to me!

Seeing him treat me with deep kindness and compassion NO MATTER WHAT had a profound healing effect on me. I needed to learn to do the same!

His support really helped me let go of my pushing and pulling routine, feeling safe enough to surrender to my messiness with much more love!

I can truly say it was a breakthrough for me!